It’s My Life!

Woah! Really busy for me out in the real world – there is actually a life for me beyond Fibromyalgia Awareness…

As you know, last night was my fabulous shiatsu massage; but, before that, I had a very-overdue botox injection (or lots of little ones) across my forehead: Botulinum toxin, commonly referred to as Botox®, is well-known for its cosmetic use to eliminate glabellar lines, the frown wrinkles between the eyes (which is fabulous) frown_lines_beforeyet it can also relieve migraine-type headache, muscle tension headache, or chronic daily headache. Results can be dramatic. Some patients (about a third) who have suffered from daily headaches for years report being free of headaches for two to five months; so I’m hoping (at least) some of my head pain will disappear.

After that, it was an appointment with my lap-band doctor – basically unnecessary because, during this whole month, despite hardly eating because of teeth pain, I only lost 400 grams (that’s a poo!). Hopefully, after this whole ‘Lyrica-weaning’ process, I will start to lose some (much un-needed) weight!

Driving Miss DaisyToday I was lucky enough to receive my very belated birthday present – a matinee performance of Driving Miss Daisy with Angela Lansbury and James Earl Jones. I had seen the movie (a very, very long time ago – after googling it, the movie was around 1989 so I was 18) but I really didn’t remember the entire Jewish storyline, only the black racism. It was pretty damn cool and I had a (very uncomfortable) seat in the second row (that’s from the front!)

And now, tomorrow, it is Z’s 3rd birthday party (so I’ll see my father for the 1st time since The Letter) – he decided to have a gardening party with minimal decoration (BUM!) but I did what I was allowed to:

hungry caterpiller (window)hungry caterpiller

balloons

His real birthday is on Tuesday so I prepared a treasure chest of presents…

chest closed chest opened

and decorated the spare-room at my house for when he sleeps over.

view from door full view

We’re going to the Zoo!

Related Posts:

Guilt: the Gift that Keeps on Giving

FCKHaving started FCK (a directory of blogs that educate, support, enlighten, inform, inspire and motivate people about and with Fibromyalgia), I have had the privilege of discovering so many blogs that I may never have seen if not for this project.

One of those blogs is Same Burn…Different Flame. Cathy is about 12 types of awesome, 10 of which she hasn’t quite put her finger on (yet!) It isn’t her goal to change the world or end our nation’s poverty crisis…. but hell, if she could, she would TOTALLY do it.

One of Cathy’s blog posts has resonated with me greatly – here it is:

I’m sorry: An open letter to my loved ones

Dear family and friends,

First and foremost, I’m sorry.  I feel like I’ve let you down in many, many ways.  And there is nothing to say, except, “I’m sorry.”

I can honestly say that I don’t have a handle on what’s happening with me, lately.  At one point in the not-so-distant past, I was lively and energetic.  That girl is…. well, she’s gone now.  And I don’t know where she went.

I feel like I can never get enough sleep.  Never.  I’m exhausted.  During the week, I force myself to get out of bed and carry on with my day.  I get up at 5:30 am, drive to work, work all day (most of the time without a lunch break), drive home and finally take my shoes off at 6:00 pm-ish. I. Am. Exhausted.  I make dinner (which, admittedly, isn’t all that exciting these days), and I collapse on the couch, too exhausted to do anything else.  By the weekend, I lie around the house, unmotivated to do anything but sleep.

And then, there’s the pain.  I don’t know that you would ever understand, unless you have been where I am right now.  Miserable doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Imagine, if you can, the last time you were really sick.  Then, imagine the last time you were really sore.  Like… for me?  It’s like the time I had walking pneumonia, combined with feeling like I had just done a half-marathon.  I dread waking up, because moving in the morning is like trying to break out of an invisible cast.  I’m stiff.  It hurts.  And I don’t know if it’s just a morning thing, or if I’ll be suffering all day.  Once I get going, random things will bother me.  My hips will hurt.  Or my toes will burn.  Or my back will ache.  Or I’ll be itchy.  Or my legs will cramp.  Or I’ll have a headache.

Good God… the headaches.  They’re not to be underestimated.  It could be a dull, constant headache.  Or Satan can be gripping my brain with his red-hot, pokey fingers.  They can last a few hours, or for days.

I get tired of taking medications.  Side effects from them mean that I have to take other things to try to feel better.  For example, the Tramadol makes me itchy.  So I have to take Bendryl to alleviate the itchiness.  But Benedryl makes me sleepy.  So I have to take an energy pill.  The energy pill makes the pain worse (not sure why).  So I have to take Tramadol.  And so it begins, again.

……I carry guilt with me.  All the time.  I feel guilty because I am tired.  I feel guilty because I am lazy.  I feel guilty because I am crabby.  I feel guilty because I am distant.  I feel guilty because I’m weak.  I feel guilty because I’m losing the battle.

I don’t have the answer.  But it isn’t for lack of asking the question.  Please, don’t stop loving me.  Don’t leave.  Don’t close your ears and your heart.  I’m trying.

Maybe, someday, the girl that you used to know will come back.  Until then, just keep loving the girl that I am, now. Hug me.  Tell me that I’ll be okay.  Hold my hand.  Talk with me.  Let me vent.  Help me forgive myself.

With unparalleled love,

me

Feeling the same way? Feeling guilty?

The First One

So, I spent 4 hours writing and editing a post to appear here. Then I found the ABOUT page (now called Background Check) and decided to move it all there (another 2 hours). This blogging thing is not as easy as it looks!

And, now I’m too tired to write anything worth reading as my first instalment. But I can’t leave it blank, can I?

So, I’ll just quickly introduce you to the people who will probably feature in my future blogs:

The edited family tree

Obviously, I’m VERY important (in the middle) but the highlighted names will probably feature in any of my upcoming blogs. Good luck getting to know me, my family and friends.