Defeating the Purpose

Alisha - Invisible FI don’t know how many of you think about your PURPOSE. I try not to – it depresses me. In fact, the thought of it depressed me for 3 years so now I avoid it. One of our fabulous FCK bloggers, Alisha Nurse from The Invisible F, has been thinking “a lot of things about it.”

Your Life is Worth More than you Know

As always I am thinking about purpose. A lot of things about it.

I don’t know if the same is true for anyone else who has walked in my shoes, but every time I have seriously considered suicide or acted towards it, I always wondered what the world would be like without me. I say world, but I mean what would it be like for the people in my world to not have me anymore.

I always felt my existence had been meaningless.

And while I still struggle with this to a great degree, I’ve realised something imperative.

I’d always thought without me life would just go on. The people who love me would mourn but eventually life would carry on as it does. I don’t think I’ve made any significant contributions to the world to not be forgotten. Not yet anyway.

Years ago, I visited my home country from which I’d migrated. When it was time to leave, I was surprised at how my little sister wept. She went to school inconsolable. I left and later found that she had cried herself so sick, the school telephoned to ask for a relative to pick her up. I was moved to tears and overwhelmed. This was an important moment for me.

The power of love

When my half-sister was born I was indifferent to her due to no fault of her own. That’s actually putting it mildly. She had been welcomed into the world with loving arms, whereas I’d been told I was an unwanted child. As I grappled with trying to survive a childhood riddled with fear and numerous problems, I showed my sister little love and expected none in return.

But my God, she loved me. And she loved me so much that I couldn’t understand. She loved me even when I didn’t love her back.

I didn’t deserve it. But such is the power of love, it turned my cold heart inside-out, and shook me up. I couldn’t not love her back, my little sweet potato muffin.

Now she loves me and I love her.

When I almost went to my death my sister didn’t know. When she found out again she wept again. And I understood how I had hurt her. I know that had I been successful, it would have hurt many loved ones. But I felt that if I did pass on it would have impacted on my sister’s life in some great way. I am actually convinced it would have altered her life. People close to my sister have before told me of how she dotes on me and is influenced by me. I didn’t know.

I say all of that to say no matter how insignificant we think we are and our existences may be, to someone we are so special, that a world without us would break them.

We struggle, yes we do. But if ever we venture down to the path of death we must know it’s not only our lives we take. We are likely taking someone else’s.

Be encouraged.

If you feel suicidal, please know that you are not alone and you do not have to walk that road alone. Reach out. There are some numbers below that you can ring to get help.

Need help?

In Australia, call 13 11 14 Lifeline Australia
In the USA, call 1 800 SUICIDE or 1 800 273 TALK
In the UK, call 0800 068 4141
In New Zealand, call 0800 543 354

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4 Comments

  1. not sure I’d have the strength to blog about it. Though everything said was accurate.It is the one thing that keeps me here 🙂 YANA

    • Yes, Alisha is exceptionally brave – as are many of the bloggers who choose to share their private lives with all of us.

      (As an aside: it would be nice if people remembered that before making personal attacks when these bloggers have opinions that differ from their own)

  2. This isn’t a demon that has to be faced – incurable pain takes rational decision making. Prof Leonard Jason’s search of death certs of the Chronic Fatigue sufferers who suicided found none had been diag with depression. Being depressed about a hopeless situation isn’t clinical major depression.

    Me, I was getting fck’d over in the navy & had my exit all planned. Then thought, what if I lived like a ‘dead man walking’? As though nothing was of consequence, and the liberation this brought was a life-changer. Not only was heightened awareness of every moment noticeable, but the misery of not fulfilling my purpose was replaced by a realisation that I was yet to discover my purpose.

  3. Alisha, expressed the truth even while rejecting it. She was unreservedly loved, to her surprise, by her little half sister, whom it seems Alisha may even have been jealous of.
    fnmyalgia, your feedback about looking at life as insignificant is enlightening, and touching.
    It’s difficult to think if I wasn’t here would it really matter. I’ve done it sometimes, especially in my early teens. I vowed that I wouldn’t think that way as I was indulging in a stupid, or moreso, emotional game.

    If just one person loves us it’s sustaining, fulfills some purpose. Just helping my elderly neighbours put out their washing doesn’t seem like much, and I suffer with pain afterwards, but the feeling of interacting when you’ve spent years not doing so is great. The search always goes on I feel for a purpose, but a realisation and comfort that we matter, even if it’s patting a cat you don’t know on the street, is our birthright. The Universe knows we are here, and we are hurting, and in my case any purpose matters however small.

    Thankyou for the opportunity to post my thoughts, as scrambled as they may be.

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