Guilt: the Gift that Keeps on Giving

FCKHaving started FCK (a directory of blogs that educate, support, enlighten, inform, inspire and motivate people about and with Fibromyalgia), I have had the privilege of discovering so many blogs that I may never have seen if not for this project.

One of those blogs is Same Burn…Different Flame. Cathy is about 12 types of awesome, 10 of which she hasn’t quite put her finger on (yet!) It isn’t her goal to change the world or end our nation’s poverty crisis…. but hell, if she could, she would TOTALLY do it.

One of Cathy’s blog posts has resonated with me greatly – here it is:

I’m sorry: An open letter to my loved ones

Dear family and friends,

First and foremost, I’m sorry.  I feel like I’ve let you down in many, many ways.  And there is nothing to say, except, “I’m sorry.”

I can honestly say that I don’t have a handle on what’s happening with me, lately.  At one point in the not-so-distant past, I was lively and energetic.  That girl is…. well, she’s gone now.  And I don’t know where she went.

I feel like I can never get enough sleep.  Never.  I’m exhausted.  During the week, I force myself to get out of bed and carry on with my day.  I get up at 5:30 am, drive to work, work all day (most of the time without a lunch break), drive home and finally take my shoes off at 6:00 pm-ish. I. Am. Exhausted.  I make dinner (which, admittedly, isn’t all that exciting these days), and I collapse on the couch, too exhausted to do anything else.  By the weekend, I lie around the house, unmotivated to do anything but sleep.

And then, there’s the pain.  I don’t know that you would ever understand, unless you have been where I am right now.  Miserable doesn’t even begin to describe it.  Imagine, if you can, the last time you were really sick.  Then, imagine the last time you were really sore.  Like… for me?  It’s like the time I had walking pneumonia, combined with feeling like I had just done a half-marathon.  I dread waking up, because moving in the morning is like trying to break out of an invisible cast.  I’m stiff.  It hurts.  And I don’t know if it’s just a morning thing, or if I’ll be suffering all day.  Once I get going, random things will bother me.  My hips will hurt.  Or my toes will burn.  Or my back will ache.  Or I’ll be itchy.  Or my legs will cramp.  Or I’ll have a headache.

Good God… the headaches.  They’re not to be underestimated.  It could be a dull, constant headache.  Or Satan can be gripping my brain with his red-hot, pokey fingers.  They can last a few hours, or for days.

I get tired of taking medications.  Side effects from them mean that I have to take other things to try to feel better.  For example, the Tramadol makes me itchy.  So I have to take Bendryl to alleviate the itchiness.  But Benedryl makes me sleepy.  So I have to take an energy pill.  The energy pill makes the pain worse (not sure why).  So I have to take Tramadol.  And so it begins, again.

……I carry guilt with me.  All the time.  I feel guilty because I am tired.  I feel guilty because I am lazy.  I feel guilty because I am crabby.  I feel guilty because I am distant.  I feel guilty because I’m weak.  I feel guilty because I’m losing the battle.

I don’t have the answer.  But it isn’t for lack of asking the question.  Please, don’t stop loving me.  Don’t leave.  Don’t close your ears and your heart.  I’m trying.

Maybe, someday, the girl that you used to know will come back.  Until then, just keep loving the girl that I am, now. Hug me.  Tell me that I’ll be okay.  Hold my hand.  Talk with me.  Let me vent.  Help me forgive myself.

With unparalleled love,

me

Feeling the same way? Feeling guilty?

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7 Comments

  1. Oh yes….I am definitely feeling guilty. My parents are 86 and were expecting my to help take care of them….but my fibromyalgia rules my life….deep fatigue lately so I can hardly get off the sofa….pain always….makes it hard for me to do all that they want me to be…..but I am now putting myself first and taking care of ME…so that maybe I can take care of them…..

    • Sarah, I have 5 children I didn’t have them to look after me in my old age by the way i’m 70 right now, I had them because I love children, if the day ever comes when I can not look after myself I will put myself in a home where i will be cared fo. I would never think of being a burden to my children. I’m sure your parents don’t mean to be a burden on you & if you explain to them about your problem they would understand. Take care of yourself first & foremost.

  2. I know it is hard not to feel guilty when we can’t do the things we would like to do. I know you have been through a lot, lately I have been so busy with a sister on dialysis & a husband who has to go through different tests, I come home & sleep on my chair, I no longer feel guilty about this, yes there is constant pain but when I seee what others go through when they are getting dialysis my pain is minor compared to them. You can become that lady again maybe a change in medication will help, I know you have tried lots of medicine but nothing works. What you have to do is listen to your body it will tell you what to do, at work go to the lunch room take a half hour or hour nap. Nothing on earth is more important than your health. I have lived with pain for a long time it doesn’t mean I have to stop living. When your body says rest then do it. Everything will get better 1 day they will find a cure. ((((HUGS))))

  3. Although I am retired I still feel guilty – seems to me we are hardest on and most unforgiving of ourselves.

  4. Pingback: Guilty as Charged! : FibroModem

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