Falling Off the Wagon

2011_9_30_23_0I AM AN ADDICT.

This is not news to people who read my blog on a regular basis. Back in March, I wrote about how susceptible I am to addiction. At the time, I wrote I was addicted to:

  • Pepsi-Max – since then, although I haven’t been able to totally avoid it, I have not bought any for myself (Mommy has it at her place);
  • cigarettes – I haven’t smoked in 16 days (although I’ve chewed a lot of gum!);
  • chocolate – working on reducing the intake of this substance, too; and lastly
  • Social media (but you guys know this because I am still writing every day – even if it is maladaptive behaviour!)

I have also worked out that I am addicted to a certain person.

Coincidentally, on the same day as I wrote about addiction, I wrote about having to let my friend go. And I really tried. But it seems that the boys that I choose to accompany me during chosen phases in my life really know when to get me at my most vulnerable. My ‘friend’ (and we’ll still call him Sam) sent me a text just before Thais left for her 6 month overseas jaunt. And, you see, all us addicts need is one taste to fall off the wagon.

i-didn-t-just-fall-off-the-wagon-it-came-back-and-ran-me-over_designAnd I’ve been trying to catch up with the wagon ever since then. We’ve been texting most nights; or if not, I’ve sent a text and waited until the next night for a response. We haven’t met up or had a real telephone call. So, I have learned nothing.

I know I am addicted – I have no idea why because he has never treated me especially well (specifically this last year) yet I am still here and almost begging (how sad is that!) for his attention.

I know that I am letting him take advantage – some (or a lot) of that texting has been sexting*.

I know that I am needy – this is what happens when one has walked in on two previous (and the only serious) boyfriends in bed with other women

I also know that I am lonely – there is only so much an online friendship and family can provide. It doesn’t help with it being this time of year: all the happy-ending movies, all the catalogues showing me the perfect gift to buy for him, all the families doing family stuff.

I have no idea what I want to do or not do with all of this ‘knowledge’. I guess this was just an unburdening post really, as nothing will change unless Sam decides he wants it to (whether positive or negative) or I learn how to ‘quit’ him.

*Another thing I have noted since the infusion, I am horny ALL the time! (which, despite my masturbation post, is not all that much fun alone!)

Something Does NOT Add Up Here!

Today I have to report my income to Centrelink. Guess what? No income (AGAIN!) this fortnight so the government will deposit $473 into my bank account.

This money needs to cover $250 for my mortgage payment, $52.50 for acupuncture (after medical insurance rebate), $53.40 for medical insurance, $8.50 for hydrotherapy, $5 for tai chi, $52.50 for Lyrica, $24 for Circadin, then there is Thyroxine, Sertraline, Vitamin D, Alpha Lipoic Acid, Eleuthera Root, a multi-vitamin supplement. Umm, where’s the food, cigarettes (do NOT tell me to quit, as a comment!), phone, internet, electricity and gas?

Something does NOT add up here!

P.S. Also had to pay over $900 this week for my Practicing Certificate and Law Institute membership – I’m still not giving up on practicing!

When a Good Poking is Just Not Good Enough

Guess what? Acupuncture again today – YIPPEE! Felt absolutely awful on the day after it last week (supposedly that was my body getting rid of toxins), but I was still excited about a positive step towards managing my FM. Anyway, I’m lying there with the little altar thingy on my belly button and needles poking out of the top of my head, my forehead, my legs and my arms; and thinking about buying watermelon and cigarettes at the supermarket on the way home, maybe an Easter Bunny, too (or two!) and how to make it easier to vote on the entries in the Fibromyalgia Awareness Day Video Competition.

My eyes are squeezed shut as a defence against the fluoro lighting and I realise that I’m not really relaxed at all. So, my brain starts chatting to the rest of me:

Deep breath – ok, relax those shoulders…let them sink into the pillow behind my head. breathe deeply. Hey! this would be a perfect time to meditate! if only you knew how to mediate…hmm, clear your head – am I supposed to be thinking about nothing, something, a beach? think about your third eye (that’s supposed to be the area just above the area between your eyes)…weird shapes forming in the darkness of my closed eyes – watermelon – stop! where did that shape go? There behind that even blacker cloud. Now I can see it…doesn’t that look like spades around a circle? oh, with some clubs embossed on top? – watermelon…I wonder if the lady who will cut up my watermelon is working today – stop. look for the shape…maybe that’s meditation. or maybe I should learn to meditate before I try it for myself – ha! maybe I’ll have to write a post about this – ooh, the shape is zooming in and out…or am I closing my eyes too tightly? concentrate on the shape…clear your head of other thoughts – watermelon…

…and so it went until my acupuncturist popped in to extract the needles.

Supposedly, meditation can help us to understand our own mind. We can learn how to transform our mind from negative to positive, from disturbed to peaceful, from unhappy to happy. Did my mind sound peaceful to you?

The purpose of meditation is to make our mind calm and peaceful. If our mind is peaceful, we will be free from worries and mental discomfort, and so we will experience true happiness; but if our mind is not peaceful, we will find it very difficult to be happy, even if we are living in the very best conditions.[1]

I find it difficult to control my mind (at the moment, as do you, most probably). Many people have trouble with meditation at it seems as if their minds are like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances. My mind doesn’t seem to need external stimuli; it hops from one thought to another like a frog in a pond.

Meditation is thought to influence the abnormal neurological pathways that make FM sufferers experience pain differently and have lower pain thresholds than those without the condition. It is understood to be due to an imbalance in both brain hormones and the processing of pain signals. Studies over the last 10 years have demonstrated that a regular meditation practice positively changes the way the brain is structured and how it functions.[2]

Furthermore, American professor of affective neuroscience Richard Davidson states: ‘What we found is that the longtime practitioners showed brain activation on a scale we have never seen before. Their mental practice has an effect on the brain in the same way golf or tennis practice enhances performance.’

It demonstrates,he said, that the brain is capable of being trained and physically modified in ways few people can imagine.

Accordingly, for me (after I practice some more), meditation is good medicine.

***Tomorrow, I’m trying a Pilates session – stay tuned!


[1] http://www.how-to-meditate.org/breathing-meditations.htm/

[2] Dr Daniel Lewis, Fibromyalgia and Meditation, http://www.fmaware.org/News28b55.html?i=g6jyL5vriNaHZxABsr2ZKA…

ADDICT!

I have a totally addictive personality:

  • I’m addicted to chocolate – that first bite overwhelms my taste buds. It melts and flows like lava in my mouth. It is warm and sweet, and it seriously makes me happy. Unless chocolate does this for you, you have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?
  • I’m addicted to cigarettes (yeah! I know – please don’t bother lecturing me on that topic – I know!)
  • I was addicted to Pepsi-Max – that’s all I drank – no coffee, no tea, no water; just Pepsi-Max. But I’m proud to say I haven’t had anything but water (except a couple of margaritas) in over 2 weeks.
  • I’m addicted to Facebook and my blog. Last month, I started a Facebook page; and 5 days ago, I started this blog. And now, I’ll admit, I’m totally addicted. I love turning on the computer and seeing how many LIKES or new followers I have. I love publishing a post, then watching what happens all day. It astonishes me that I write something in Melbourne and someone, in another country (or here) likes it and wants to read it. And I HATE having to log out at 8pm (remember – doctor’s orders!).

Shhhh….I’m also addicted to wall decals.

Got any secret addictions you’d like to share?