This is not news to people who read my blog on a regular basis. Back in March, I wrote about how susceptible I am to addiction. At the time, I wrote I was addicted to:
- Pepsi-Max – since then, although I haven’t been able to totally avoid it, I have not bought any for myself (Mommy has it at her place);
- cigarettes – I haven’t smoked in 16 days (although I’ve chewed a lot of gum!);
- chocolate – working on reducing the intake of this substance, too; and lastly
- Social media (but you guys know this because I am still writing every day – even if it is maladaptive behaviour!)
I have also worked out that I am addicted to a certain person.
Coincidentally, on the same day as I wrote about addiction, I wrote about having to let my friend go. And I really tried. But it seems that the boys that I choose to accompany me during chosen phases in my life really know when to get me at my most vulnerable. My ‘friend’ (and we’ll still call him Sam) sent me a text just before Thais left for her 6 month overseas jaunt. And, you see, all us addicts need is one taste to fall off the wagon.
And I’ve been trying to catch up with the wagon ever since then. We’ve been texting most nights; or if not, I’ve sent a text and waited until the next night for a response. We haven’t met up or had a real telephone call. So, I have learned nothing.
I know I am addicted – I have no idea why because he has never treated me especially well (specifically this last year) yet I am still here and almost begging (how sad is that!) for his attention.
I know that I am letting him take advantage – some (or a lot) of that texting has been sexting*.
I know that I am needy – this is what happens when one has walked in on two previous (and the only serious) boyfriends in bed with other women
I also know that I am lonely – there is only so much an online friendship and family can provide. It doesn’t help with it being this time of year: all the happy-ending movies, all the catalogues showing me the perfect gift to buy for him, all the families doing family stuff.
I have no idea what I want to do or not do with all of this ‘knowledge’. I guess this was just an unburdening post really, as nothing will change unless Sam decides he wants it to (whether positive or negative) or I learn how to ‘quit’ him.
- Understanding The Addictive Personality (philadelphia.cbslocal.com)