Yes! I Have a Father.

As you know, I spend a lot of time with my Mommy – she makes up a major part of my life so, if you are going to have a conversation with me, she will probably be mentioned.

BUT, this post is NOT about my mother. It is about my father – Yes! I have a father! You haven’t heard about him much, have you? I can’t even remember if he has ever been mentioned in my blog at all. I love my dad very much but he’s the kind of father who figures that he got me to the age of 18, so he has done everything that he is supposed to do and can now just leave me be. Nonetheless, and unreasonably, I continue to strive to attain his approval and admiration. Realistically, I’m never going to get it. Yet, for some reason, I still try.

Now, I feel pretty safe about writing about this topic here because my father has never even bothered to look at my blog. According to ClustrMaps, 22,516 people have visited this blog – but not one of them is my father.

I’m not sure that my father actually knows what FM is – he doesn’t read any information that I forward to him in emails, so I printed it all out. He still didn’t bother to read anything – the papers are still sitting on the backseat of his car. He has never watched any of my videos. He hasn’t visited my Facebook page.

When I received 91% for my last (taxation law) exam, he said what happened to the last 9%. When I graduated with honours, he hadn’t even realised that I was graduating with honours and then asked why I wasn’t the dux. I stood outside the training sessions of his (religiously) favourite football team for three weeks in a row, in the middle of winter, so I could get him a football shaped port bottle signed by every member of the football team – the bottle sits in his garage. You get the idea.

Now, Mommy and Dad have been divorced/separated for over 20 years, and Dad has been with his current ‘partner’ for nearly 20 years. We don’t necessarily get along all of the time. She has been upset with me when I introduced her as Dad’s girlfriend, but she has also been upset when I said she was Dad’s partner. So, I just don’t know how I’m supposed to introduce her.

My father called me today for two reasons (and not one was to check how I was going): firstly, he was upset about one of my personal status updates on Facebook. I had written that I had woken up at 3am one morning, giggling, because I had been thinking (in my dream) how the pasties that strippers wear on their boobs could work on a penis. I have no idea about what the rest of the dream was about, but I thought it was funny, so I put it in a status update. Now what is really interesting is that Dad doesn’t look at Facebook (or that’s his excuse for not looking at my page) – his partner does, though.

The second reason he called was to tell me that, if I was trying to phone him around dinner time, call the house line. His partner thinks that I am trying to avoid speaking to her (rather than just making sure that I reach my father), so my father decided he should say something. Oh, and by the way, when you talk to her, be cordial, ask about her mother, her health, her sons…

But there are restrictions, I am not allowed to talk about my Mommy, or her partner, or that side of my family because she doesn’t like it. It upsets her.

So getting together with my father and his partner is a particularly comfortable setting – NOT! I don’t talk about my condition because they are not interested; I can’t talk about other stuff that I have been doing because, mostly, it involves my mother; and I am not permitted to get too excited about anything because then I’m acting like a child.

I don’t want to upset my father (still seeking his approval) so now, more often than not, I just shut up; but today’s phone call has my father asking me to involve her more because she feels left out.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH! I just can’t get it right. And this upsets me.

The bloody phone call happened about 4 hours ago and I’m still fuming.

Sorry about the rant (but at least it’s a new one and not about doctors!), and I could go on for pages and pages. At least you’ve now been introduced to my father.

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19 Comments

  1. My dad is just the same, never asks about my condition, never asks how I am, all he talks to me about is what he has been doing, he never asks what I have been doing. The only difference is his new wife actually does care, I don’t understand why he isn’t concerned about me. When I was pregnant I was in hospital for a week after an operation after nearly loosing my son and when I told him his reaction was: ‘Oh were you?’ Nothing else.
    I know how it feels to have a dad that doesn’t seem to care, deep down I think he does but doesn’t know how to show it. Or maybe I am just kidding myself. I’ve come to the conclusion that I only need my mum now, she is there for me, she spends time with me and she is helping me with my treatments. Don’t waste time on people who don’t deserve it. Hope you feel better soon!

  2. Dang girl I think we have the same Father. I dont talk to mine anymore.

  3. Can me make those penis pasties purple? Love to you girl!

  4. Neither my father or mother seem to care, they say they do but will not look at anything about fibro, they say all i need to do is diet and exercise and i will be fine. My father once picked me up when I could not walk anymore and gave me a ride the rest of the way home and the first words out of his mouth when I got in the jeep was “How long do you expect to live?” Seriously, I looked at him and said the fibro was not fatal. Since then they have never asked how I was feeling or if I needed anything. So I do not look to them for anything concerning me.

  5. That blog made me sad, because its sounds so familiar….It took me many counselling sessions to decide to stop trying to get my fathers approval. At the counsellors suggestion I decided to stop calling my father about 3 years ago and see what would happen!….Guess what??? Nothing!!! I haven’t heard from him in 3 years except a card on my birthday. He went that extra mile for my 40th Birthday and sent me a text!!!!! He doesn’t even know I have Fibro. Its a hard realisation to come to that it won’t matter how hard you work for his approval, it probably won’t ever come. This year’s birthday I’m hoping to have the strength to ‘return the card to sender’.

  6. About 3 years ago I realized my Father really did love me and cared about me and my Health. My mother Died when I was 2 1/2 yrs old. I have 2 older brothers and we were all traumatized by the event. She suddenly died at 7 1/2 months of Pregnancy. A year later my Dad married someone I call my 2nd Mom. She was a pretty good mother but had never Been married before and was a little self conscience about being wife #2 getting 3 kids on her wedding day etc. She and my Dad had 6 more children in the next 8 years. So of course I became the built in babysitter. Dad always paid more attention to her needs and she paid more attention to the younger children’s needs. Once my Dad even told me during a rough time with her that she was more important to him than I was. Well I hav lots of war stories about my growing up years but that’s another book. My 2nd Mom died of cancer at the age of 49. I was 30 yrs old. 5 years previously our youngest brother who was 12 at the time died suddenly in a farm accident. A little over 3 years later my 2nd to youngest brother died in a car accident. A year after that Mom was diagnosx with cancer. She and my Dad were married for almost 27 years. He was married to my Mother do 6 years. He didn’t want to wait to get married again. He had taken very good care of Mom her last 7 months devoting everything to her. What was kind of surprising more to my younger siblings than me is a week after we barried my Mom he went to a nearby neighbor who had been widowed 2 years and were very good friends of ours .he asked her to marry him. 3 months later they did. They we both only 54 yrs old at the time. I am 55 and in a couple of months will be 56. I really did understand why he married so soon after but it was harder on my 2 younger sisters who are 8 and 11 yrs younger than me. At first it seemed that Dad had forgotten about his children he was so caught up in his new wife and her family. Now they are wonderful people having grown up with them it was a lot more Comfortable than it could have been. After a few years, they hav been married 25 yrs now. It seemed that Dad remembered who we were ;). But that deep concern you have for a child I never felt until about 3 years ago. It for me was Life Altering in many ways. I am so grateful they are both still living my Stepmom is a cute funny high strung lady that would do anything for you. She turned 80 in March and my Dad next Month on August 4th. They are good for each other and try to get us all together as often as possible but that usually ends up being once a year. So I am making with my husband a 3 1/2 hour journey to help celebrate his birthday and it is all a big surprise, I hope. We are staying over 3 days to hopefully give me time to recouver and enjoy myself after we are there. Life certainly does not happen the way we would like it to. I have had to learn to most things the hard way. But I am so grateful for this new time with my father. I never really had a Mother like I wanted. So I feel blessed that my Dad is still here. For any of you that have parents. Hopefully you are. Enjoying these years even if it is with one Parent. How lucky we are to even have one parent who understands.

  7. Oh wow! I shouldn’t have even started – your comments (and I’m sorry that I’m not replying to each one) are so incredibly sad. All these fathers have no idea what they are missing out on – I guess I just don’t understand how they can be this way.

    I have never had children (and at my age, I’m assuming that I won’t) but I would do absolutely anything for my nephew. I would have to guess that a parent’s feelings towards their children must be so much more – so our fathers must be missing something in their genetic makeup.

    I really hope that each and every one of you has, at least, one person who is totally supportive. xxx

  8. Gosh – are most fathers like this!!!!? Or maybe the “male” of the species has to “act tough”. I always used to try so hard at school to get top marks and when I got 99% he would never say “well done” but “what happened to the other 1%?” When I left home to live “in sin” with my partner (I was 21 at the time) he “cut me off” completely never allowing me to go home to visit my mum and refused to speak to me (the only way I could keep in contact with my mum was to write letters to her!) When we got married he suddenly decided that he wanted to have contact with us and agreed to “give me” away at our wedding. Right up until the day he died he never once said “I love you” or “well done” or gave me any praise for anything I achieved (I got a BSc and a MSc). Now my 3 children are growing up I continually praise them for everything they achieve and help them with their homework and provide a “sympathetic ear” when things are going wrong and always say “i love you” before they go to bed each night. Maybe the biggest lesson my Dad taught me was how to communicate sympathetically with my own children, so at least maybe I should thank him for that. People with FM find it hard to accept “negative” feelings – they take them as a personal insult – but I now concentrate on how I feel about my own family and NOT how others feel about me! (life is too short to worry about their short-sighted opinions)

  9. What can anyone say except Grrrrrr and then shout a few expletives on your behalf. What you need is a good old jump up and down, scream and shout temper tantrum, you know like we did as a child. It won’t make things better but a least you will get the exasperation out !! Joking aside, I am so sad for you and wish I could be there to chat and have a cuppa. At least you have the knowledge that, indirectly, this will get back to your Dad xx

  10. I am so sorry that your father and his partner are so thoughtless and uncaring. I’m afraid to say that there are far too many people out there like this. I understand your always seeking approval and such. I lived my life like that – my older sister got all the attention from my mother and father, who divorced when I was 4, and sister was 8. She was the precious one; I was the last child, born into a troubled marriage, and forgotten by just about everyone. I learned to gain my acceptance through my academic achievements as you did. However, I got most of that acceptance and praise from others. My mom remarried when I was 10, and my stepdad and I were really close, especially by the time he passed on 21 years ago. He gave me away at my first wedding; my father was very hurt and didn’t come to the wedding. We patched things up shortly thereafter, with no hard feelings either way. I was blessed to care for my father over the last two months of his life – he left this earth with nothing left unsaid, and that was a wonderful gift to me. My father and stepfather died within 14 months of each other. I’m 52 years old, and am just beginning my discovery into the hurts and traumas of my life. I know I’ve said a lot here, but I get what you say – it resonates in my heart. You are doing amazing things by reaching so many people, and by spreading the word about FM. Even though your dad can’t see the wonderful things in you, we do…complete strangers…we think the world of you. Funny, huh?

  11. Danielle Huertas

    My father was much the same, but was before I was so sick. His new wife would not let him speak to my sister and I. He move from NY to PA. He secretly sent an email once in a while then one came accross that he had cancer. OK. He met my oldest son once for 5 minutes. Heartbreak after heartbreak, and when he passed away we recevied a phone call from aunt. I coulnt even go to the funeral as I was only a few days out of the hospital with a newborn (my 2nd) and breastfeeding, in pain and it was of course in another state. His new wife put her whole family in the obit and did NOT even metion my sister and I. And before they got married she was sweet as pie to us for 2 years!! MEN!!!!! are from MARS!!!

  12. How much better would “Magic Mike” have been if they’d had penis tassles? LOL! You crack me up! I have the same problem with my Dad, not to your extreme, but he’s never satisfied. I think he’d be happier if I was a man, but I’m not, so he doesn’t know what to do with me. He once bought a book on car restoration and called me up to see if I’d want to restore a car with him. Seriously?

    • We’re still waiting on ‘Magic Mike’ here and I have to wait for a naughty illegal download because I can’t handle going to the movies – but I CANNOT wait to see it!

      • It had a good story and Channing Tatum is just awesome in it. Great dancing and great acting! Plus, Matthew McConaghey is his hot self, and even carries around bongos, which I thought was funny. There were lots of uncomfortable moments, more because you were in a packed theater. It would be better at home alone or with a few girlfriends or a really understanding partner. I can’t wait to force my hubby to watch it!

  13. I THINK that you are AWESOME,and I wanted you to know that what you do is GOLDEN even if the one person who you want to see you the way you are doesn’t come through! My MOM has fibro,and helped to contribute to MINE since childhood by being a VERY cold person.Sad to say,I had NO social skills because of my parents and had to learn EVERYTHING the hard way! God knows you and EXACTLY how you feel both physically and emotionally and is telling you that YOU ARE GOOD whether those narcississtic people you may be related to acknowledge it or not.Please feel free to add me on FB I’m Francine Uffalussy Fergus(a mouthful,I know)and maybe we can chat sometime when we feel miserable-misery NEEDS company sometime! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now!
    Francie

  14. See, strangers from all over the world care and dare I say it, love you more than your own Father. I know it’s not the fathers love you crave, but it is heartfelt and true xx

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